I have thought long and hard about this post. Whether I wanted to make it or if I just felt like I had to. What all I wanted to include and how I wanted it to sound. I was probably overthinking it for the most part.
This is the first post I've made on this blog that hasn't been part of a tour for over half a year. It's been months of not a whole lot going on here. I've been just as sparse on
Instagram and
TikTok as well. And it sucks. I hate it. I hated thinking about posting here and just not being able to because I couldn't bring myself to. And the longer it went on, the worse I felt about it. But I'm hoping that I've now hit a point where I can manage to post reasonably regularly here.
So, what happened?
Burnout...and a couple of other things regarding my mental health and at times my physical health.
I started this blog in January 2021. I started my Instagram in March that same year. I was reading a lot coming out of quarantine and because I had recently graduated college. It was great. And I really wanted to share my love of books, especially sapphic books, with others. I wanted to create a place where I could review books and other people could read those reviews. Maybe it would help someone find a new book that they loved! And then it expanded and I was interviewing authors and posting recommendations! And it was great for quite a while.
Eventually though, I just stopped enjoying it. The main part was burnout. Everytime I wanted to make a new post, I felt overwhelmed and uninspired. The work that went into taking photos and writing reviews and getting those posts ready wasn't extraordinary, but it sure felt that way. It felt crushing at times and I just would not be able to bring myself to do it. The more crushing it felt, the less I could. Soon I was barely able to read a book without feeling like I was going to crumble. I just...couldn't. Not without feeling this stress. Like yeah I can read this book but then I have to have a review ready to go on it. I need to remember to track when I finish reading it and track it on Goodreads.
And then it felt like an avalanche. Like once I got behind on one thing or missed one deadline, suddenly it was two things and then four things. I felt like I could never keep up. I was constantly chasing something that was leagues ahead of me.
It stopped being fun.
But burnout wasn't the only thing playing a part in it. My anxiety has its highs and lows and when I'm too anxious, I sometimes can't bring myself to do anything. And when you're like me, working from home, your anxiety may worsen just because you're never getting outside. At least it does for me. So I would try to read and then have to put the book down because I heard sirens or someone banged a door shut too loud or my brain just won't relax.
And then there was the comparison. Between my blog and others. Between my Instagram and others. Between my reviews and others. I just felt like I was constantly comparing myself to others. And it wasn't their fault. I don't even think it was mine. It was unintentional. But it was bad. I constantly felt like my photos weren't as pretty, my videos weren't as eye-catching, nothing was measuring up. Comparison is the thief of joy.
There were also all the little things that just made it hard. I'm not great at time management and so I would constantly feel behind. On interviews and reviews and everything. And no one else ever messaged me or emailed me to blame me. It was just me holding myself to a standard that I was unable to meet. And then I was writing a book and that was so time consuming. I loved it, don't get me wrong, but I struggled to find time to read when I was burying my nose in a document all day trying to craft my own little world. And then when I did feel like I had the time, I got a cold or the flu or some other sickness. And it was back to no energy and no attention for reading.
So yeah, a lot of little things that eventually just lead to me not posting unless it was a tour or a quick photo and caption.
I think I'm in a better space now. It's not perfect, burnout doesn't just go away because I wish it to. But I know better what I can handle, at least I think I do. I might not start off strong, but I do plan on getting back to posting at least somewhat consistently.
I'm probably going to start with one post a week. Something nice and easy for me to manage. I eventually hope to move back into the TikTok sphere if I find that I have the energy to make videos as well. It's probably not going to be perfect. I'm still going to have to test some things and see how I can balance posting, writing, reading, and editing. But I'm in a better place mentally most days and I've got people I can lean on for some extra help if I need it.
And I'm going to try very hard not to judge myself if I don't manage that. I'm human. I make mistakes and do the wrong things and can't control my mental health all the time.
On that note, I hope to see you around soon!
Thank you to everyone who stuck around and continued to support me. It means the world to me and I cannot thank you enough.
Also, to the authors whose interviews I missed or whose interviews came to them too late: I'm sorry. To the authors and publishers who sent me copies of books to read and review: I do greatly appreciate them and I am so very sorry. I am making my best attempt this year to catch up on reviews. I don't know how I'll manage with interviews, if I do at all, but we'll see as time goes on.
